Hope you are doing good. I’m sorry I disconnected your call without talking much. It was a long day, I had said. But the truth is, this city is consuming me. I vividly remember the excitement when I boarded the train to this city. I had heard about its grandeur; I had seen those mesmerizing places in magazines. I had made a checklist of all those places that I had planned to visit. Honestly, I don’t even know where is that page now. Ma, did you notice that twinkle in my eye when I told you that I have got a job in a metro city? Remember I told you how proud you would be when people would ask what is your daughter up to nowadays?
I wish I could tell you that I’m dying. This city is murdering my dreams as days are passing by. I don’t know, I would have surely killed myself had I not have hope to be back home someday. I don’t remember the last time anything made me smile.
I had to disconnect your call because I know you’d ask if I had eaten something, and I won’t be able to lie. I won’t be able to tell you that I struggle to manage my meals. You had once told me to buy a kilo of apples when I had told you that I skipped breakfast because I was in a hurry, while the truth was, that one apple costs around ₹60 and that is the exact amount I save each day and walk to the nearest metro station. Sometimes, I had skipped days to draw money from the ATM when 30th was near, and during those days, I only managed with 1,2 and 5 rupee coins. During those days mom, I’d skipped dinner. I then realized what hunger is, sometimes my roomies would pity and offer me food, but I’d politely decline because I felt like a beggar. In the beginning, it was really difficult, I’d swallow all the appetite. I’d cry and force myself to sleep. I’d miss how you’d lecture me for half an hour whenever I’d tell you that I wasn’t hungry. We are so lucky to have food on our plates mom. Tell dad I am grateful to him.
This city has damaged me entirely. The lights which do not ever go off, now pierce my eyes. The streets which are flooded with all kind of people do not thrill me. when I first came here to live, I always slept with an expectation of a better tomorrow, seems like it was never likely to come. Just an illusion. Then I sort of got a knack of living like that, I thought I was being put to test by destiny, but it wasn’t long that I realized, it all was a scam. In fact, I was being sucked out of life.
I have diagnosed myself of cervical, due to carrying my laptop bag for long hours. And I don’t think I would ever be able to sleep peacefully. I’m fatigued, my colleague once enquired about the under eye bags. I spend my nights sitting on the balcony, thinking about my home, about how would I wake up next morning if was in my town. I only sleep during the commute. While going to the office and after coming home. That is the best time I get to sleep. I once was so sleepy, I just threw my backpack on the platform and slept on it, without worrying of being robbed. I woke only when I was yelled at by the security.
I don’t know if I will ever tell this all to you. I probably will not. I just wrote because I wanted to talk to someone and there’s nowhere to go. And if I’d tell you, then you’d lecture me for another half hour and blackmail me to come home. Where dad will take care of everything, my dirty laundry would be taken care of. I know how horrific would it be for any mother to know that her child goes days without eating.
I know it’s bliss out there in our small town. But I am happily going to opt to live here amongst all the miseries because I want you to always take pride in telling everyone, that your daughter is working in that city. I’m okay mom. I love you.
P.S. Right now, it’s 2.00 A.M. I am sitting on the balcony, there’s no sleep in my eyes. it’s just the hope to be back home someday, that’s keeping me alive. And someday, I definitely will talk to you for long hours. Until then.