Posted in family, happiness, happy ending, love, mother, travel, Uncategorized

Big City Diaries

Hi mom,

Hope you are doing good. I’m sorry I disconnected your call without talking much. It was a long day, I had said. But the truth is, this city is consuming me. I vividly remember the excitement when I boarded the train to this city. I had heard about its grandeur; I had seen those mesmerizing places in magazines. I had made a checklist of all those places that I had planned to visit. Honestly, I don’t even know where is that page now. Ma, did you notice that twinkle in my eye when I told you that I have got a job in a metro city? Remember I told you how proud you would be when people would ask what is your daughter up to nowadays?

I wish I could tell you that I’m dying. This city is murdering my dreams as days are passing by. I don’t know, I would have surely killed myself had I not have hope to be back home someday. I don’t remember the last time anything made me smile.

I had to disconnect your call because I know you’d ask if I had eaten something, and I won’t be able to lie. I won’t be able to tell you that I struggle to manage my meals. You had once told me to buy a kilo of apples when I had told you that I skipped breakfast because I was in a hurry, while the truth was, that one apple costs around ₹60 and that is the exact amount I save each day and walk to the nearest metro station. Sometimes, I had skipped days to draw money from the ATM when 30th was near, and during those days, I only managed with 1,2 and 5 rupee coins. During those days mom, I’d skipped dinner. I then realized what hunger is, sometimes my roomies would pity and offer me food, but I’d politely decline because I felt like a beggar. In the beginning, it was really difficult, I’d swallow all the appetite. I’d cry and force myself to sleep. I’d miss how you’d lecture me for half an hour whenever I’d tell you that I wasn’t hungry. We are so lucky to have food on our plates mom. Tell dad I am grateful to him.

This city has damaged me entirely. The lights which do not ever go off, now pierce my eyes. The streets which are flooded with all kind of people do not thrill me. when I first came here to live, I always slept with an expectation of a better tomorrow, seems like it was never likely to come. Just an illusion. Then I sort of got a knack of living like that, I thought I was being put to test by destiny, but it wasn’t long that I realized, it all was a scam. In fact, I was being sucked out of life.

I have diagnosed myself of cervical, due to carrying my laptop bag for long hours. And I don’t think I would ever be able to sleep peacefully. I’m fatigued, my colleague once enquired about the under eye bags. I spend my nights sitting on the balcony, thinking about my home, about how would I wake up next morning if was in my town. I only sleep during the commute. While going to the office and after coming home. That is the best time I get to sleep. I once was so sleepy, I just threw my backpack on the platform and slept on it, without worrying of being robbed. I woke only when I was yelled at by the security.

I don’t know if I will ever tell this all to you. I probably will not. I just wrote because I wanted to talk to someone and there’s nowhere to go. And if I’d tell you, then you’d lecture me for another half hour and blackmail me to come home. Where dad will take care of everything, my dirty laundry would be taken care of. I know how horrific would it be for any mother to know that her child goes days without eating.

I know it’s bliss out there in our small town. But I am happily going to opt to live here amongst all the miseries because I want you to always take pride in telling everyone, that your daughter is working in that city. I’m okay mom. I love you.

P.S. Right now, it’s 2.00 A.M. I am sitting on the balcony, there’s no sleep in my eyes. it’s just the hope to be back home someday, that’s keeping me alive. And someday, I definitely will talk to you for long hours. Until then.

Love.

Your Daughter

Posted in father, happiness, happy ending, love, marriage, mother, prom, short stories, Short story, Uncategorized

Prom Date

I sat on the porch, scrolling through facebook, which was a bad idea by the way. How can you divert your mind from something which was meant to show up in your feed. The more I resisted it, the more I had to face it. My damn feed was filled with stupid Prom uproar.

“Jimmy” it was dad. Sigh. Now he will inquire about why didn’t I go to the prom. He came and sat beside me. “I thought you were going to the prom son”

“I am not going dad” I said.

“Why not?”

Well how do I tell you that your son is incapable of having a date?

“ummmm… just did not want to”

“did you ask someone out?”

What? I mean seriously? What? How in the world did you….??? Oh my god. He was looking into my eyes and that meant he needed a reply. A reply, not an excuse. And I could swear he would know if I lied.

“I did. i asked out three girls. They all refused. And I don’t think it would be a proud thing to go on a prom without a partner.” I turned to him. “Dad, I don’t fit anywhere. You know there is a category of certain kind of ugly people. And now I realise, I fall into it.”

Dad laughed. “You know, I used to think exactly like you back in my high school. I was a geek; I never knew a world beyond books, too afraid to ask out girls. Who would want to date a nerd? I believed you were supposed to have a personality to get a partner. You’ve got to be popular. So when it was time for prom, I knew I was not going to attend it anyway. My mom wanted me to be there, she bought a suit for me and I was not breaking her heart. I wore the suit, kissed her goodbye and drove away. Where? Don’t ask. I just turned the stereo and drove. After driving tirelessly and thinking how am I going to make my whole life as a single pathetic man, I decided to pause. I stopped by a peaceful lake. Dawn was breaking; I sat by the pond and cried. I too wanted to be loved. And the thought of never being able to be loved was consuming me. I cried for hours. Soon when I became a little relaxed, I decided to let it go. Somehow my brain successfully convinced me to stop that bullshit and grow up. i realised my foolishness. What was the use of all the drama? I could have better stayed at home and enjoyed some steak. I could have watched that 70s show on the tv. How did i become so emotional all because I didn’t have a date? Honestly. I was cursing myself. That turned out well actually, that very moment, I decided that I am going remain a geek in a world full of lovebirds and will embrace myself. And with that decision, I got up, brushed my pants and moved towards my car. Time to head home. That was long long time ago. I just carried on being myself, I was very proud of my identity. I let it go.” Dad paused, a very tender smile spread across his face.

“And?”

“And now I wake up each day beside a beautiful woman, who loves me so dearly. I have four amazing and talented kids who have grown to be great human beings. The attic which was filled with science books and crazy experiments is now filled with toys. The walls are still flaunting your sketches. The truth is Jimmy, had I not loved myself, I am damn sure I would have cried for my bad luck forever. I would still be that single pathetic man who’d cry and whine every day.” He paused and wrapped his arms around my shoulder. “so, the key is, to love yourself, the key is to let it go. You don’t need to worry for your future, do not be disheartened if you don’t find someone at this point of time. May be you just haven’t given your life enough time to unfold itself for you. Wait for it to show you what has it got for you. and one day son, you will also have an attic full of toys, walls full of sketches and a beautiful person to wake you up each morning.”